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Never in my life have I been so certain that my mother raised me right as in the past 24 hours.Could you even IMAGINE the shit I'd get if I said I'd rather spend the weekend at the beach (or even at work) than go to my grandparent's funeral? I got shit for going to work rather than be with them two full weeks (and WELL before) before my grandma died. Nevermind that I didn't even have a car at the time.

But at the same time, while I refuse to disrupt my life for every little thing they ask, I know when it's time to drop everything and force my way--car or no car--there. We're never going to get along for more than a few hours at a time, but we also know that whatever fights or discomfort we put each other through, we'd rather be together through tough times. And that is unfortunately not something that Dillon's family will get to experience, and it gives me blinding, appalled rage to think about it.

They wouldn't be there on deathwatch, night after night, trying to ignore the TV infomercials playing music that they hate but someone else needs to hear. They wouldn't spend the night in uncomfortable hospital chairs, or even wait until 3 in the morning just to argue with insurance MORE to be sure that their relative has appropriate care. What's worse, they have no MODEL for doing that. And because of our mother, I don't think even my sister (who is not a caretaker by nature) would even consider doing anything else. When family is in need, you're there. Case closed. Fight, be petty, do what you need to do to deal with what's going on. But be there.

Awful as last year was, I wouldn't give up or change any of it. They are missing out. And it's so upsetting to think that they won't be there when they're needed later.Part of it is the downside to having such a young family-- they never had to deal with this before, and it's really one of the hardest things you have to endure as a family. But I wish, I WISH that they would feel that sense of love (not obligation) for their grandpa, their brother, and their mom, and be there to support their family and to let their family support them.

Once again, I'm glad for all the experiences I've had, however fucking miserable they've all been, and I'm so eternally grateful for my mother.

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May 2010
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